Tonight I cried. At first I cried out of frustration and then it felt like all the emotions that I could possibly contain at once had suddenly collided. I couldn't decipher joy from pain. I couldn't distinguish the inner woman from my inner child. It was as if the two were embracing each other while screaming so loud that neighboring galaxies could hear their cry.My "world" was loud in my moment of emotional-supernova and I was fed up with the chaos. I suddenly wanted power and peace like I've never had it.
I've been waiting for things, people, circumstances, and myself to "perfectly align" with what I think SHOULD happen before I can make grandiose moves to fulfill my dreams. Truthfully, I've been waiting for my husband to complete my life, and that's only one area of many that I had been waiting. Throughout my lifetime I've heard and have been told my husband won't complete me. I knew it to be true, but it became real when I looked at all the areas of my life that I've been waiting. Let me share my evening experience:
I received a wedding invitation from my dearest male friend from my home town. I've known him since we were both eleven years old. As we've grown older we've grown closer. He's held me accountable, pushed me to pursue my dreams, given me grace, and remained steadfast in our friendship. If I am capable of loving a man as much as I've loved my friend how much more can I love the man of my dreams? I don't know the answer to that, but I can tell you I've been waiting longingly for such a man.
A pit in my stomach grew deeper with envy and jealousy after reading through the sections of "How we met" and "The proposal" on their wedding site. I wanted to know where my soul mate was. Don't I deserve a fairy tale? I found my stomach-pit revolting when I realized I hadn't initially chosen happiness at the realization of how deep their love was for each other.
I felt low in that moment. As usual my dear friend and roommate came home at the perfect time and asked the question "What's going on with you?" and thus began our conversation. My answer was provided in the form of tears, and my friend knows me well enough to just let me "ride" my Sarah-train. After letting 'er rip through words and tears I realized that when I "wait for life to happen" this gets me off the hook for taking the actions necessary to get what I want in life. For example, I've been waiting to buy a large camera so I look more like a fashion photographer when approaching strangers on the street instead of using the point and shoot that I currently own. I've let life happen to me, instead of making life happen.
Well my friends, I think it's about time we take this bull that we call "Life" by the horns and steer it where we actually want to go.
Where do you want to go? What dream do you want to accomplish? Is there something you haven't done yet because your waiting? If yes, define what you're waiting for.
Be honest with yourself with this next question, and you don't have to tell anyone your answer if you don't want to:
Is what you're waiting for really a requirement to accomplish what you want or would getting what you're waiting for make achieving your dream easier?
So you've been "waiting" for something to happen; how's that working for you?
When I see that I'm "waiting" for something I just go do it! Tonight I was studying and I was waiting for my roommate to walk by to ask him to turn on a light. Instead of waiting I got up and did it myself and it felt great. All of a sudden I had the power to do what I wanted! I've been studying for a test, and instead of waiting until I felt like studying this evening I just started studying.
I'm looking forward to this change playing out in bigger areas of my life. I understand that it takes confidence to go do something that I wouldn't normally do, and when I take the initiative and try something new it's best if I allow myself some room to screw it up. It's more fun to mess it up then to play it safe.
An interview with Drew Barrymore was one of the many articles in October's Bazaar that I poured over last night. Drew is quoted to say, "I never have been insecure, because I see what a waste it is." Reading that last night may have paved the way to my realization of my own time wasting.
I'm ready to love life again.
Xox,
Sarah
PS. You're going to see some new posts my friends. The long awaited story will soon be made public. In addition, I'm now a volunteer for a local dog rescue organization here in San Diego that gives dogs a second chance at a loving family. I'll be helping out at my first event this Saturday, and I'll keep you posted!
