What I learned during the 2010 holidays

This year was special for me. Especially because I wasn't entirely sure if I'd be able to return home to Washington. If I remained in California it was my intention to work on setting up myself to live an empowering 2011. I have several writing projects that have been in the works, and I wanted to organize my mind about a few life matters that have been weighing on me.

Fortunately I flew home on December 22nd. Due to delays I missed my connecting flight home and was comped a hotel room for the night in Salt Lake City. I appreciated the time alone. I enjoy hotels, and I wanted a full nights rest more then anything because I had been fighting an infection for over a week. Once I was home, my health rapidly improved.

During my stay in Washington I was battling with my mind. Being around my family members I felt like the same bratty little sister I've imagined myself to always be. This year it was different; I could see my old ways of being with my family and I wasn't going to be that. Afraid and not knowing how to "act" I remained quiet and  kept my nose in a book. I did not go through a drastic change, but I was happy that I distinguished what I once acted like. Christmas day I was able to spend a full day up on the ski slopes with my family. It felt good to be back in the snow and cruising the mountain as I had before.

I spent a calm New Years Eve night with my parents. We saw a chic-flick and had dinner together. We watched the ball drop on television while sitting around a heater with my parent's dogs. For the first New Years I did not resist the way in which I was celebrating. I've always wanted to do something on a grand scale and dress up in a gown. This year, I was happy and at peace to spend it with Mom and Dad.

New Years day my friend Dave married the love of his life. Celebrating with his friends and family was an integral part of setting up a powerful 2011.  I didn't know that then, but looking back I can see it has effected me. I was able to apologize to many friends about my past shenanigans and fess up to being a dramatic, emotionally driven, at times a psychotic controlling dominating friend. We all laughed as everyone fessed up to their own idiotic behavior, and in the process I experienced needed closure and completion. One friend asked me how I came to realize that I was being "leachy" in our friendship. I explained that it was due to conversations with new friends that had me see what kind of friend I've been. Being able to apologize for my actions in the past was important for me in having more fulfilling friendships now. Here is what I have learned from all my experiences:

• I am more sure of who I am now more than ever.
• I've always wanted people to see how great I am, and I made it a point to make sure others see that about me. Once relentless in doing so, I know who I am and have nothing to prove to anyone.
• I love spending time with family more than I love meeting up with large masses to grace them with my California presence and show them how "great" I'm doing. (I gave up my act)
• I've learned how important it is to have friends that listen for the sake of letting me clear my mind and know that I'm not my crazy thoughts.
• I love reading "Success," "Do It Yourself," "Cottage Living," and "Entrepreneur."
• I learned Oprah is going to launch her own Network. The network is intended to bring empowerment to people's lives and have them get what they want. Never a huge Oprah fan, I will now be subscribing to "O" (I bought my first one in the airport on my return flight home)
• I learned that I like to take my time on my hair and make up and make it a point to be "put together."
• I learned the correct form of using "lie" verses "lay."
• I learned that I can really love and be a great friend to someone I thought that I never would speak to again in my life.
• I now have a peace about what to do with family possessions if my mother and father were to ever pass. Several conversations about death ironically put me at peace.
• It is highly critical that I continue to dream and read inspirational material on a regular basis. 
• I love my family more then ever.

The holidays were unforgettable. I have big ideas for 2011 and I'm more than elated to watch them come to fruition.

My favorite quote of this holiday season was made in passing by my own mother on Christmas day and I will never forget it, "It doesn't cost anything to dream."

I love you.

Xox,

Sarah

Note to self:

Live an awesome life.

My kind of gossip

Seventeen years old, sitting in drivers education in eastern Washington, an effervescent blond lit up the room with her smile and authenticity. Her confidence intimated me. I'd never seen a young woman carry herself the way she did. Her name, Melissa. I don't recall the introductions we originally exchanged 11 years ago, but from a let-me-watch-you-from-over-here attitude I was watching her and taking note of the way she interacted with others and played with life.

Melissa's voice captivated me. She delivered her words with intention and grace, and when I heard her sing I was certain this young woman was an immortal who'd been living for centuries. The way she carried herself was unseen and unheard of at my age. (I found out later that she too was 17.)

Melissa has always impressed me. During life's low points she remained dauntless. After high school we were both equally indecisive and simultaneously trying our hands at different "careers." Always involved in the community and giving back to others, Melissa also participated in pageants throughout the years. She had access and interacted in a world I'd always dreamed of, and once I had shied away from. In a sense, she was my hero. I succumbed to my own fears when I had changed my mind at the last minute to participate in a pageant at the age of 13.

One of the last times I saw Melissa was when she was in the budding stages of a long distance relationship. As usual she was giddy about the possibility of where it was going. He sounded like an amazing man, and every time I saw her I begged for updates on their latest dates as quickly as she could spit them out. That was the last I saw of Melissa. A year down the road we connected on a social networking site, and I was elated to see her beautiful wedding pictures to this man that once, only seemed like a dream. He had finally become her reality.

I've been seeking out women who exhibit fearlessness, stories of victory, and an intention to live powerfully. Melissa was one of the first women to come to mind. It's now been close to 2 years since we've last spoke, and catching up a week ago had me enamored at a far greater level. Last week she shared what she'd really been up to after we got past the initial "How are you's?" Melissa was told years ago she'd never be able to have children of her own, and she planned her future with that in mind. As she stated, "It's not like I was selfish back then, I really just had a plan for my life." Melissa became pregnant and because she wasn't married and didn't plan on a child she scheduled an abortion.

When she told me the story I was frozen. After realizing that she could have what she thought she would never have, she changed her mind and kept the baby. Melissa is now a proud mother, deeply in love with her son.

Not being a mother myself, I asked questions like, "What was the process like?" and "Do you feel different now as a woman?" and "How have you changed?" Feeling slightly naive for asking the questions, Melissa answered me with her usual grace. One of the things she said had me pull over to stop and take in her words. I wrote them down, "I read so many books on what to expect so I was prepared, and I couldn't have read enough to prepare me for what was to come." I've heard this phrase, but it felt like a deep part of me was about to be awakened if I pressed for more. "Melissa, going through that experience, would you prepare to do something even if you knew you would never know enough prior to doing it?" (I think in a sense I was really asking myself that.) Melissa paused to grasp what I was asking. Her response was, "Yes."

More than likely I'll never achieve the "enough" prior to actually accomplishing my big dreams. So as of this last week I've been asking myself the same question I asked Melissa, "Would you prepare to do something even if you knew you would never be 'ready' enough prior to doing it?"

I'm living my dreams the moment I'm in action and taking the steps to achieve the fin.


Whenever I run into Melissa it's clear she is alive and present and always standing in a glow. She has a heart of gold to match her hair, and a smile that begs you to have a seat and unfold your heart.

She has left a mark upon my life.


Xox,

Sarah

Taste-testing sounds

It's Thursday night and I'm flying solo at a restaurant/bar on Newport Avenue in Ocean Beach. It's a small southern Californian beach town that to the average passerby it would appear slightly rough around the edges compared to neighboring coastal towns. 


I'm in an audience of 10 others, 11 if you include the doorman, and 13 if you include the older couple sitting in the corner who are preparing to leave once the music starts. They more than likely didn't do their research prior to coming and therefor don't know this band is soon to release sounds of indie-surf. I did my research, I know the sound, and that's why I'm here. 


When I got home from work this evening I perused Craigslist looking to score some last minute free tickets to any local concert. As usual there was plenty of "free fill dirt" and gadgets that even your knick-knack-hoarding grandmother wouldn't go out of her way to obtain. I looked at an events page of a local publication and found a free show to attend several blocks from my house. 


As the day grew distant and the night welcomed the west coast, my bedroom invited me to stay through until the morning with its warmth accompanied by my laziness. I was growing tired, but after a glass of wine, half of a can of Trader Joes Natural Baked Beans, and the Netflix ordered Flaming Lips documentary titled The Flaming Lips: The Fearless Freaks, I decided to throw on my red checkered flannel and coconut oil and depart my bedroom world and into the night and OB world of Thursday. I budgeted $4 for the evening's events, meaning that's all the cash in my wallet so I transfered it to my pants pocket. I accidentally budgeted the perfect amount: beer specials were $4 at the Portugalia. Prior to ordering I apologized to the bartender that I didn't budget enough for a tip, nonetheless she kindly poured my Hefewiezen.  


The show began, and it went on, but I decided to leave early as I've grown tired of cover songs, in fact I've never been a big fan. The music wasn't great and I realized I'd soon be standing in a larger audience of music lovers and listening to a "southern metal band," Lead Burns Red, a friend's band who is releasing their 2nd album and is playing their release party this Saturday at the Onyx Room in downtown San Diego. Check out their website and their sound at www.leadburnsred.com. For those who dig the sound and can't attend, grab your digital copy at cdbaby.com/cd/leadburnsred.


In the meantime, get your booty out to local upcoming events and stretch your creative spirit, even if you go it alone.  See you at the show!




Xox,


Sarah

Waiting for corn chowder

I'm at lunch alone on a Monday afternoon. I stopped by one café and when I wasn't satisfied with the soup of the day I turned around and moved on to another restaurant serving up my soup of choice: corn chowder. It's overcast and wet outside here in San Diego, but my heart is quite the opposite.

A friend was sitting in my room yesterday and crying tears of deep joy and relief when she articulated the words with a soulful push, "I can feel that things are changing for us both, and I'm just so happy we're finally going to get what we want."

I fell in love with her even more in that moment. When she opens up it unmasks this profound human side of her that I long for in all my friendships. My body seems to pulsate with the heartbeat of the earth when I have conversations that come from the very vein of emotion running within people. Our conversation left me warm and beyond hopeful for this next stage in my life.

While at lunch and waiting for my corn chowder a memory came to mind. Years ago I was sitting in a restaurant in Bend, Oregon, with my best friend and love at that time. We both agreed we would visit that café as a trip-tradition.  I was sure that we would both experience that moment again and again throughout our lifetime. It's not going to happen, and I'm so happy it's not. I was overwhelmed back then by the love I felt for him, and now I'm overwhelmed with the love I have for life and I'm sitting in that feeling of love right now.

I'll pass up a relationship and a bowl of soup until I find exactly what I want, even if I go hungry for a little while.

I am where I am, and I love it. I'm alone eating lunch on a cold fall day, unattached, and living with a knowledge that all the possibility in the world is staring me in the face. 

Xox,

Sarah

Bruno and friends

Makaya, my "Good girl"

Several weeks back I took my dog Makaya (pictured above) to Petco to get some much needed dog treats and accessories. While purchasing my goods, the cashier asked if I'd like to round up my purchase to the nearest dollar and donate money to support a local pet organization (I don't remember which one or what I was supporting) ...I said yes. I paid a little extra and in return the cashier graciously gave me 2 rolled sausage dog treats and 2 tennis balls. Makaya was treated and I was proud to finally say yes and give money to a good cause, even if I only donated 21¢ .

That donation inspired me to continue giving. Just outside Petco was San Diego's Second Chance Dog Rescue. Two large play pins contained spirited pups and smiling volunteers. The people were happy and the dogs were happier; it was hard to deny that life was good for everyone in that 40 ft. radius. I stopped by the organization's booth and after speaking with several of the friendly volunteers I filled out a volunteer application.

Two weeks later I received an email asking for my support at the next event. My schedule was clear and I said yes once again! Today I met many great volunteers  ranging from young girls participating to accumulate community service hours for their school, to a German woman who moved here 7 weeks ago and was in need of some animal love! The system Second Chance Dog Rescue uses is all volunteer based. Doggies get to be treated to temporary loving homes until a family comes along and adopts the dog into their own home.

This morning, one of my initial duties was to sign dogs in as the foster parents dropped off the pooches. When a temporary foster dropped off "Bruno" an American Eskimo-mix, the foster mom, Julie, became silent for a moment. At first I didn't know why she wasn't answering a question I asked her, but I then realized that she'd fallen in love with Bruno in a weeks time.

Bruno

I could feel her pain in that moment; she was about to leave him. If someone was to adopt him that was the last time Julie would see Bruno. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder. Bruno looked a little confused when he left Julie and entered the pin full of rowdy-happy puppies. It was an innocent and unexpected separation that brought me to a quiet stillness. I'd hoped that either Bruno was adopted into an amazing family that day or that Julie would return to find him hers again if not for another week. Either way it was for sure to be a win for one of them. It was in that moment of watching Bruno and Julie that I understood: volunteering isn't only giving up time, space, or money. Volunteering is giving a part of yourself that cannot be measured. Julie and Bruno will forever remind me of the bond that can be formed when 2 experience what it is for 1 to be selfless and the other to be in need.

During my volunteer time I was able to run around with my camera. The pictures shown are from today. I took the picture of Makaya (shown at the beginning of this post) after I returned home from volunteering. After spending time with all the hounds, I couldn't wait to get home to my buddy.

San Diego Second Chance Dog Rescue Volunteers

Slider has feeling in his legs, but he can't use them.

Slider gets bandaged by a volunteer.

If you're not in the San Diego area and you're interested in finding out more about volunteering at a local pet adoption agency, please contact your local veterinarian or pet store and ask for information. Give back to the community in some way, and be sure to give back in a manner that you feel drawn to help. If you don't have money, then give your time, do administrative work, take pictures, make phone calls or send emails. Help in a way that leaves you fulfilled. Volunteering isn't sacrificing, it's using and giving of the already abundant skills and resources that exist in your life.

Go love the world!

Xox,

Sarah

Rosie the Riveter didn't wear a watch

Tonight I cried. At first I cried out of frustration and then it felt like all the emotions that I could possibly contain at once had suddenly collided. I couldn't decipher joy from pain. I couldn't distinguish the inner woman from my inner child. It was as if the two were embracing each other while screaming so loud that neighboring galaxies could hear their cry.

My "world" was loud in my moment of emotional-supernova and I was fed up with the chaos. I suddenly wanted power and peace like I've never had it.

I've been waiting for things, people, circumstances, and myself to "perfectly align" with what I think SHOULD happen before I can make grandiose moves to fulfill my dreams. Truthfully, I've been waiting for my husband to complete my life, and that's only one area of many that I had been waiting. Throughout my lifetime I've heard and have been told my husband won't complete me. I knew it to be true, but it became real when I looked at all the areas of my life that I've been waiting. Let me share my evening experience:

I received a wedding invitation from my dearest male friend from my home town. I've known him since we were both eleven years old. As we've grown older we've grown closer. He's held me accountable, pushed me to pursue my dreams, given me grace, and remained steadfast in our friendship. If I am capable of loving a man as much as I've loved my friend how much more can I love the man of my dreams?  I don't know the answer to that, but I can tell you I've been waiting longingly for such a man.

A pit in my stomach grew deeper with envy and jealousy after reading through the sections of "How we met" and "The proposal" on their wedding site. I wanted to know where my soul mate was. Don't I deserve a fairy tale? I found my stomach-pit revolting when I realized I hadn't initially chosen happiness at the realization of how deep their love was for each other.

I felt low in that moment. As usual my dear friend and roommate came home at the perfect time and asked the question "What's going on with you?" and thus began our conversation. My answer was provided in the form of tears, and my friend knows me well enough to just let me "ride" my Sarah-train. After letting 'er rip through words and tears I realized that when I "wait for life to happen" this gets me off the hook for taking the actions necessary to get what I want in life. For example, I've been waiting to buy a large camera so I look more like a fashion photographer when approaching strangers on the street instead of using the point and shoot that I currently own. I've let life happen to me, instead of making life happen.

Well my friends, I think it's about time we take this bull that we call "Life" by the horns and steer it where we actually want to go.

Where do you want to go? What dream do you want to accomplish? Is there something you haven't done yet because your waiting? If yes, define what you're waiting for.

Be honest with yourself with this next question, and you don't have to tell anyone your answer if you don't want to:

Is what you're waiting for really a requirement to accomplish what you want or would getting what you're waiting for make achieving your dream easier?

So you've been "waiting" for something to happen; how's that working for you?

When I see that I'm "waiting" for something I just go do it! Tonight I was studying and I was waiting for my roommate to walk by to ask him to turn on a light. Instead of waiting I got up and did it myself and it felt great. All of a sudden I had the power to do what I wanted! I've been studying for a test, and instead of waiting until I felt like studying this evening I just started studying.

I'm looking forward to this change playing out in bigger areas of my life. I understand that it takes confidence to go do something that I wouldn't normally do, and when I take the initiative and try something new it's best if I allow myself some room to screw it up. It's more fun to mess it up then to play it safe.

An interview with Drew Barrymore was one of the many articles in October's Bazaar that I poured over last night.  Drew is quoted to say, "I never have been insecure, because I see what a waste it is."  Reading that last night may have paved the way to my realization of my own time wasting.

I'm ready to love life again.


Xox,

Sarah



PS. You're going to see some new posts my friends. The long awaited story will soon be made public. In addition, I'm now a volunteer for a local dog rescue organization here in San Diego that gives dogs a second chance at a loving family. I'll be helping out at my first event this Saturday, and I'll keep you posted!